


Hugs

by writerlester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Loathing, basically an angsty dan and how he overcomes his self-doubt, i wrote this mainly for anyone who needs a little encouragement, the ending is hopeful and happy i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-26 12:48:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9897392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writerlester/pseuds/writerlester
Summary: Dan finally finds the courage to break free, with the most important person in the world by his side.





	

Hugs really were the best things in the universe.

It had taken him a long time to finally believe that. He’d been so convinced that he could find happiness elsewhere. 

He’d called himself stupid, but Phil wouldn’t let him.

That’s how things started. He noticed his mood dropping. He noticed his tendency to be alone. He noticed how much he got nervous when speaking. He noticed how his stomach would clench even at the idea of wandering outside.

He began to berate himself for it.  _ Man up. Get over it. What’s wrong with you?  _ These played like mantras in his head. He’d convinced himself that it was all his fault.

That was a slippery slope to something worse, which he hadn’t believed possible. After hitting himself on the head day after day, he began to believe there was something wrong with him. There was something so damaged about him that no one else could possibly understand how screwed up and messed up he was. What kind of a person treats themselves like this? Why would anyone treat themselves like this?

And the worst part was that it made him feel  _ better. _ It made him feel like he was doing something right by constantly reminding himself that he didn’t deserve kindness. He didn’t deserve understanding. He didn’t deserve his wonderful parents and what semblance of friends he had. And he most certainly did not deserve  _ him. _

By telling himself this over and over, he found solace in believing it. He struggled. He struggled so hard against the chains that he himself had created, link by link. But the more he struggled, the more he hurt. The more he wanted to give up entirely.

What was wrong with him? Why had he kept doing this, even after all these years?

So then he wrote about it. He posted it on the Internet. How messed up he was. All the small things he’d do that seemed so stupid. Stories about his failures and screw-ups.

People actually liked it. They praised his work. Some found it funny. Some found it relatable. Some found it a good story.

That sparked something within him, something deep down that whispered:  _ Maybe you’re not alone. _ He immediately stamped it out, cringing in pain as he sharply reminded himself that he was still  _ him, _ and therefore damaged beyond repair.

But he kept posting. He started to find a happiness, even if it was a hollow one. Every positive comment, every thumbs-up, every post online about “that funny, relatable guy on YouTube.” It lifted him, made him feel that maybe...maybe he could do something worthwhile with his life. Maybe he wasn’t a total screw-up.

Then university came. Things spiralled out of control. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t let anyone know. He was supposed to be doing this, right? He needed to make his parents happy. They deserved it, he did not. Surely he could at least do this one small thing for them.

He broke.

After months of struggling and pushing and trying to lie his way through his life, he broke down. He couldn’t. He couldn’t. _He couldn’t._

He’s not sure how long Phil holds him. He doesn’t ever want to let go.

Dropping out of university takes something stable from him. It’s both a huge relief and an impending nightmare. Eyes seem to watch him from everywhere, judging his every action. He can’t hide it from the Internet. They know. And now they’ll judge.

That’s fine with him. He doesn’t deserve sympathy and he doesn’t deserve a second chance. He’s always accepted that.

He grows more moody as he doesn’t know what to do. He lashes out at the one person that stood by him after all these years. The one person that encouraged him and told him that he was going to be okay and held him while he cried and all he can do is slam his fists against the wall, yelling at himself,  _ stupid stupid stupid. _

He curls up into a ball and _cries,_ cries because he’s hopeless and he’s unlovable and he ruins everything he touches and there’s no way he’ll ever deserve even a small fraction of what he’s been given.

Then Phil is there and he’s holding him, he’s brushing his hair away and whispering words of comfort and he just  _ sobs, _ he grips Phil’s shirt so tightly he thinks it might tear like his heart, and he apologizes and Phil is whispering,  _ shh, it’s alright. _

But it’s never alright and he’s a mess, wondering how in the world he deserves this, but Phil keeps repeating it and slowly, he thinks that maybe Phil truly believes that.

He picks himself up again, not really for himself but for the man that truly believes he can do this, and he starts a new job at a radio station and finds that he actually enjoys it. He tells himself he’s going to do this for  _ him, _ because if his life is going to be lived someone else should benefit from it.

His online career takes off, and before he knows it, he’s been drawn into all kinds of crazy projects, and amazingly enough, some of them are his own ideas. He’s never considered himself smart enough or good enough to do any of these things but he sees his best friend’s smile and thinks perhaps he can try.

Their book is released and he can’t believe the support he’s received; all of these new people that compliment his mind and his creativity, and he’s stunned because surely they can’t mean  _ him? _ But they do and they sound sincere. He tries to tell himself it’s false and he isn’t really this talented but for the first time it rings hollow in his own ears.

Then the tours start and he cries almost every night, from a mixture of nerves and all the people he’s met that tell him how he’s impacted their lives. He can’t believe it but he’s forced to face the reality that he, a nobody, an idiot, has had a positive impact on all these people. These people who find him funny and beautiful and good, all the things Phil has said to him from the beginning but now multiplied by a thousand.

He doesn’t mention crying but he knows that Phil notices, because Phil  _ always _ notices and always knows when he’s upset, and he doesn’t know how but it leaves a warm feeling in his chest and he just wants to wrap his arms around Phil and hold on tight.

The tours end and he’s left to reflect on how much his life has changed, and he’s slowly started to believe in himself. He's released two books, he’s toured on three continents, he’s been a part of a radio show, he's won online awards. He’s done all of this. He’s left a tiny scratch on a portion of the vast universe and more than anything, he’s helped all these people.

One by one, his chains start to crack and break under the pressure, the warmth spreading throughout his body day after day.  _ I’m smart. I’m creative. I’m beautiful. I’m unique. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved. I’m going to change the world. _

He realizes these are all things he’s heard before but has never believed. Perhaps because he’s never told them to himself. Someone else has always said it, but it’s hard to escape those words when it’s your own mind beginning to whisper them to you, shaking him to his core.

He still cries. The chains hurt so _badly_ and all he wants to do is settle underneath them and hide like he used to, but he can’t, he can’t do that anymore because those chains are made of lies and they sting against his skin, and Phil’s there, he’s there and he’s helping cut them with him, gently tugging on his hand, willing him to break free.

And Phil’s so _proud,_ his blue eyes are sparkling with pride, because he does it, he finally bursts, cutting the chains and breaking free, with a breath of fresh air and standing there with his heart molding into a single piece once again, and he feels scared and bemused but mostly  _ free, _ because Phil’s standing beside him holding his hand, and he’s so proud of him he looks like he’s going to cry.

He knows his chains aren’t completely gone, but only a few links are left to grind away, and he’s never felt safer than when he’s in Phil’s arms so that’s where he stays, telling himself, in wonder, that Phil’s arms is exactly where he wants to be and he’s _welcome_ there.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so, I wrote this while going through some stuff a while ago, and never intended to post it, but decided to a little while ago on my tumblr, and now here. Mainly because I hoped it could encourage people and help them somehow. I hope you liked it and found some strength in it. I believe in you!


End file.
